What happens next?!

Live theater is live theater, there are no retakes and no redo! My first aerial showcase did not turn out nearly how I had planned it to go. I started strong..... the part I was worried about went flawlessly! I got past my spin and wasn't even half as dizzy and disoriented as I thought. Then I confidently (if I do say so myself) re wrapped into my opposite side dive wrapping instead of my S-wrap. I realized it when my "tail" wasn't where it usually was. "JEN" I heard from the audience and knew immediately it wasn't my group of cheerleaders. Kiebpoli was yelling to alarm me I couldn't continue into my swing or knee hang because I wasn't wrapped right. My brain froze and immediately wanted OUT. As she tried to mouth to me to re-hook my right leg I respond back "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?" very innocently and the audience roared with laughter. An audience that seemed a little dull and quiet suddenly woke up and there was I hanging in the air pleading for help! Embarrassed is not the word, because I was not embarrassed! I was rocking the performance, I felt good, I looked good (from what I hear) I just got all wrapped up in things- literally! As I safely struggled out of my silks I didn't feel embarrassed, I didn't want to cry I was MAD. I was mad because I knew that part of my piece. I nailed my S wrap better than my opposite side dive (which was by the way the best I had ever rotated around in it). Of all things my S wrap!!! Why?! I went backstage, vented to a group of my super supportive fellow aerialists and said to myself "oh well."

Madeline came backstage and offered me another chance. I immediately said NO. I felt what I left the audience with was a smile, a really good laugh, and I didn't feel I looked stupid or untalented- I just didn't get to finish. I didn't feel the comedic relief my piece left the audience paired nicely with a redo of my more serious, emotional performance. Once the bows were taken everything hit me. I didn't want to go out and face my family and friends. Again, I was not embarrassed I was mad and disappointed that they didn't get to see my skills the way I know I can perform them. I was more mad for them than for me. I know I can do that piece, but I wanted them to know I could. Of course everyone said how great I looked, blahh blahhh blahhhhh. Point of the story, I fucked up!! I FUCKED UP! But hey I recovered and I did not fall and that was my goal from the start- just don't fall!

Afterward one of my favorite new aerial friends, Colleen (who I think had the single best piece in the show) said something to me that literally made me feel like a million dollars.... She had injured her knee after her performance in the first half and was seated the entire show behind stage in a chair elevating her leg with ice on it. She could barely walk on the leg and was clearly in pain. I kept checking on her throughout the night. Anyway- she told me my piece was so beautiful and powerful that she even got up on her leg and limped over to the side to watch me perform- she did not do that for anyone else. I thanked her and it brought a tear to my eyes- literally. Well, this morning about 20 minutes before I am writing this I watched a video on my phone one of the other awesome, spunky girls (Carina) shot for me from backstage (you could see the shadows of the performers and it looked beautiful). Well sure enough, Colleen in the shot and as my performance takes off I can see her get up and cautiously but quickly limp over to the side to watch my piece. WOW. It literally made my entire day and made me feel like I was meant to perform and I will not just give up.

After a fun night out with Kelsey, my new best aerial friend, well no, my genuine new friend! I went home and cried my eyes out- until I fell asleep. "I had that piece, I knew was I was doing, why didn't I try it again" kept replaying in my head. Dan couldn't stress enough how great I looked, how impressive what I did was, etc. he knew all the right things to say. The one that stuck with me was that it was pure inexperience that was my downfall, and it was. It wasn't my lack of skill or abilities it was getting caught up and not knowing enough or performing enough or being in the spotlight enough to know how to recover more gracefully. He is so right. I have been learning aerial for about 2 months (13 hours of private sessions plus whatever few open workouts I attended before the show). Most of these performers have been doing aerial for a year or four! I went out there and sincerely disappointed in myself. I feel like I let my family and friends down. I wanted them to see what I could do. I am still distraught over it. I was disappointed in my performance and feel like I should have just given it another shot when they offered it. I have to just remind myself it's one show, my first show and I went out there and did something I would have never ever done fives years ago, ten years ago, or even last year! I had my leg off in front of more than a hundred people! I got in the air! More importantly I met some really awesome people, genuinely amazing spirited individuals and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

On a side note I am still caught up on how upset I am that I didn't get to finish the piece how I wanted and I feel like I could cry again when I think about it...... "This too shall pass."